Last time I wrote in here, I was talking about being in Minneapolis and moving at the end of the month. This time, I guess I could talk about being in Denver and finally moving into my new place.

First off, Denver sucks. It is THE most boring place I’ve ever been to and the dryness just SUCKS. I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad if we had a car, but that really wasn’t an option since the 14 hour drive from Minneapolis to Memphis just weeks before killed any urges I would ever have to drive long distances (and Denver is 16 hours at least). So we flew out there. For training purposes again, of course. His training, not mine. I am, unfortunately, still jobless, but I’ll leave that for later. Anyway, I figured it would be fun since I’d never been out west, but boy was I wrong. We weren’t even near the city and the place we were at was in the middle of nowhere. It took a good hour to even walk for groceries, and even then, the hotel we were at only had a microwave, not a microwave AND a stovetop like the place we were at in Minneapolis. And in 100 degree dry, DRY heat, walking an hour while the sun beats down on you and not one tree in sight is large enough to provide even the slightest bit of shade is NOT my idea of fun. It’s definitely easy to see why we ate out once a day…at least. But because of that, I never want to eat at a restaurant again. I just felt sick the whole time I was there and at the time, I thought it was because of the isolation, the food situation, the heat and the dryness, but as the sickness continued on throughout the entire month and into the next when we were back in Memphis, I started to wonder.

Other things started to make me wonder, too. In Denver, I would go to bed at 1am, sleep in until at least 11 the following morning and then STILL be tired enough to take one or two long naps a day (and I’m the person who is usually fully rested on 6 hours of sleep). Then there was the missed period, then there were the continuing bouts of day-long queasiness and non-stop tiredness.

The thought popped into my mind a few times while in Denver that perhaps I was pregnant. I expressed my concern to my man and he assured me that everything would be fine no matter what the case. That’s good to hear, I guess, but it still didn’t settle my worries of that one change that would most definitely affect EVERYTHING in my life…not to mention everything in HIS life, too. We never really talked about what we would do if I were to become pregnant this early on. We always just told each other that we would always be there for each other no matter what happened. There always just seemed to be an understanding that we would keep it and do the best we could because we loved each other so much.

Then after we moved to the new place at the end of July and he went off to work for the first time in two months at the beginning of August, I gathered up enough courage to finally have the burning question answered. And as the two little tests told me 4 days ago, I am pregnant. Seeing as how it’s been two months minus a week since my last period, I’m probably 7 weeks along.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first. He was flying at the time so all I did was send him a text message saying that I needed to talk to him immediately. The 45 minutes or so that I waited before we could talk was spent sitting in my room, crying. I felt like my life was over. By March of next year, nothing would be the same, nothing would be “normal”.

Then he called. All I told him was that I took a test. I was too scared to tell him the results myself, but 15 minutes into the conversation, he asks, “So you’re pregnant?” to which I just mumble yes and try to brush it off. As we got to talking the next few days that he was gone and then getting to see him for the first time since the test yesterday, I haven’t been feeling so bad. He seemed happy and excited and that started to make me feel the same. Maybe this isn’t going to be as bad as I first thought. I love this man more than anything and we wanted to start a family at some point anyway. We didn’t expect it to happen so soon, but we’re both comfortable with it and have been making plans for the next year. I know things are never going to be the same, but I am excited now. We love each other more now than ever and I have to admit that it turns me on knowing that I’ll be carrying around a part of him every day for the next 7 months or so.

The problem right now is that I’m still jobless. The interview I had last Thursday led to nothing once again, just as every other interview I’ve been on since in Memphis has. I’m frustrated more now than ever, but I’m still trying to keep my head up. I’ll probably have to go to an employment agency since the job search that I’m conducting alone doesn’t seem to be taking me anywhere. I just don’t understand where I’m failing. I’m tired of continually feeling like I’m not good enough to do anything. All the jobs I want and interview for keep going to people “more qualified” than me even though I’m more than qualified for every single one of them. I don’t know. Something needs to work out by the end of the month because I’m pretty much broke.

…and we need to get married, like, ASAP
…and I need to figure out how I’m going to break this to my mom
…and he needs to figure out how to break it to his dad

I have a feeling things are going to get a lot more difficult these next few months before they start getting easier. I really haven’t told anyone - just my best friend and maybe one or two other people. I feel like I need to tell people and I really want to talk to people and get advice. What better place for that than my mother and grandmother? Unfortunately, they are the two I fear breaking the news to most. I guess that’s why I wrote about it here. It needed to get out somehow.

Also since I last updated, my man and I drove to Minneapolis for two weeks. He had to be there for three weeks in June in order to learn about flying a new airplane. He was then supposed to have 3 weeks off before going to sims, but to make a long story short, some high school antics forced him to have to leave today. It seems as though all the pilots at this airline came down with a mysterious illness at the same time. Anyway, the point of this is that I’m quite sad. We were really looking forward to spending an uninterrupted month together this summer, but it looks as though that won’t be happening now. This will be about a 3-week thing in Denver. Thankfully he has a few 2-day breaks spread out in there - during the first of which he plans to come home and fly me back out there with him. I’m really excited about it because I’ve never been out west before. Minneapolis is as far west I’ve been in the US and that doesn’t even really count as true “west”. I want to see mountains and desert-y areas!

As much as I hate Minneapolis in the winter, it sure is NICE in the summertime. Last time I was there (January or something), it was below freezing and there were about 5 feet of snow piled up on the sidewalks and roads. Weather was perfect this time, though. The big plus was having a car up there, although all we really did was go to the Mall of America when he wasn’t busy in class or studying (which was about 99% of the time). Of course I had to go shopping.

Speaking of my car, that thing has really begun to impress me. We got about 36.5 miles per gallon on the way up there and the same on the way back. I love my little Eclipse.

Perhaps the most exciting thing that’s happening to me right now is that I’m moving again. Not far this time - just down the street. With things such as armed robbery and rape happening in the community in which we live now, it was pretty obvious that we needed to get the hell out as soon as the lease was up. It isn’t TOO bad around here, but I do have to admit that I’m somewhat nervous when my house full of pilots is off at work and I’m here by myself, the lone female. I bought a knife even. You know, just in case.

We’ll be going to a much larger, MUCH nicer place on the 25th. I guess the one good thing about my man getting called to work two weeks earlier than scheduled means that he’ll actually be here at the end of the month to help. The other two guys here were going to help me, but it still bothered me that my own man wasn’t going to be around to help me move things into our own room. I really don’t want other men looking at my thongs!

I kind of miss the sound of rain, too. It rains here maybe once a week and only for a short period of time in the evening. Up north, it was a completely different story. It usually rained all but one day a week and it always rained during the day, all day. I don’t know why, but I’ve always loved the sound of rain and thunder while sitting at my computer playing Tomb Raider or dabbling around in Illustrator.

I definitely wouldn’t change what I have now for what I used to have, though. I think the dreary weather up north had a lot to do with how lonely and depressed I felt some days. Down here, it’s kind of hard to feel like that when it’s so beautiful. I guess it just feels like vacation to me still. It’s only slowly been sinking in that I live here now, but it hasn’t completely sunken in yet. Don’t get me wrong - I love it here. I just want one cloudy day that I can use for an excuse to not get out of bed! I can’t help it I’m lazy!

On a completely different note, I need to decide within the next two months if I’m keeping this site or not. I got a notice in my e-mail the other day saying that the domain will expire in 60 days. I know I don’t update often, but it would still feel weird to have no site at all. I’ve been keeping a website for 10 years now so it would definitely be strange to go back to having no little home on the web. What I’ll probably do is just renew it and continue updating whenever I feel like it, whether that be once a week (what I wish I could do), once a month (what I have been doing) or whatever. It really isn’t expensive to maintain this so what the hell, I guess I’ll renew.

No shit, and that’s because I pretty much closed down my site last time I did update. I still don’t really know what state this place is in, but due to extreme boredom these past few days, I’ve decided to do a little update on my life since it’s changed quite a bit since I wrote here last. I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since then.

I guess you could say that the main thing that has changed is my place of residence. I left the cold, rainy northeast and flew south (well, I actually drove - that was the longest 12 hours of my life). I’m in Memphis now sharing an apartment with my boyfriend. There are two funny things about this statement. First off, I still can’t even believe that there’s a man in my life who I can truly call a boyfriend - a man who cares just as much about me as I do him. It seems weird to call him a boyfriend, too, because he’s much more than that to me. Secondly, I never thought the day would come when I would move out of my mom’s house. It sure as hell took long enough and I’m glad it finally happened. I love it down here.

However I don’t love it as much down here when he’s not here. A lot of that has to do with me not having a job yet. I’ve just been so spoiled to have him around all the time and I get really used to him being around all the time. Sometimes he has 9-day stretches of not having to work so we spend the days waking up at 11am, lounging around until 2, then finally taking showers and making ourselves get out and actually do something only to return a few hours later to lounge around some more and eat grilled cheese sandwiches. It’s awesome when he’s here because I’m happy just being around him whether we’re doing something exciting or not, but the lounging around and doing nothing start to get to me when I’m by myself. It just isn’t fun to sit around by yourself all day on the computer anymore. And I actually don’t do that a lot lately even when I am alone. I just don’t see the same appeal in it as I did years ago.

I can only go on for an additional month or so like this. I’ve been here for about a month, but with bills to pay and bank accounts emptying, I need to find a job within the next few weeks. It’s getting somewhat frustrating because there’s no way I’m going to find another airline job right now with most of them shutting down and merging. But of course an airline job is what I really want. I really miss having the ability to fly anywhere I want for nothing. Now I’m stuck in Memphis, though I have to keep reminding myself that this is where I wanted to be and this is where I ended up. Most of the time when I flew, I flew to Memphis. So now that I’m here, I just need to be happy with that. Travelling home every once in awhile would still be nice, I must admit. I actually wouldn’t mind being home right now since my man left me for the Caribbean this morning. So even though I’m sad that he’s gone for a few more days (only 1.5 as of tonight), I’m happier now than I have been in any other period of my life. If I could only find a job that allowed me to work only on the days that he worked, life would be perfect, but hey, I guess not everything can be perfect.

Falling in love with somebody that I didn’t meet on the Internet has really changed my life. I no longer have to sit around talking over AIM and updating blog entries so he knows what I’m up to. I can simply call him up. Or he can call me. And we do this for hours every day. Of course he still lives 500 miles away, but we see each other more than a married couple. Pretty impressive when you work screwy hours at an airline and are dating a pilot who lives in one city and is based in another.

I’m very happy with the way things are working out in my life right now and quite truthfully, a lot of those things don’t need to be written in blog entries available to the public. Every time I sit down to write, the only things I could write about are really things that should not be said on the Internet for one reason or another. Some things are too personal, others just don’t need to be out in the open.

I’ve thought about possibly just keeping the site with only a blurb about myself and post only photos, but I don’t know how often I could really update something like that. I never find myself taking photos anymore so it would be a boring website for visitors. I suppose It’d be more for me, my friends and my family than anything else. I’m done with the blog scene, though. At least for now. I have a real life to take care of. The only time I’m ever on my computer anymore is to check e-mail in the morning and evening. I don’t need to waste countless hours in front of my computer creating new graphics for my site or writing boring blog entries about how I woke up, went to work and had a bad day. I have a wonderful man who occupies most of my time now Everything that I wrote about months ago seems completely meaningless in comparison to everything going on in my life now.

So I’m not sure what really will happen to this place in the next month or so. Deleting the old stuff is certain, but what I’ll put up here to replace it is something I’ll have to think about.

And who knows, maybe I will decide to continue on at some point.