Last Thursday, I had a miscarriage. I went into the emergency room around 3:30 that afternoon with sharp pains in my abdomen. Little did I know that I was having contractions and little did I know how painful they would become as the night went on. At 8:33 that evening, I gave birth to an 18 week old boy whose gender I wasn’t even supposed to find out until my first ultrasound, scheduled not even two weeks away. Ryan and I had looked forward to that appointment more than anything.
Because the baby was only 18 weeks old, he really had no chance of survival outside of my body. It crushed me to know that when I went into the emergency room, his heartbeat was just as strong as it had been during the last OBGYN appointment and now he would have no heartbeat at all. It turns out that the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby somehow got infected. The doctor told me that this was very rare and that when it does happen, it’s hard to even pinpoint a cause.
Ryan and I are completely heartbroken right now. We’re trying to make it through this, but we’re having a very difficult time. Not a day goes by when I don’t cry. I’ve cried myself to sleep every day since I came home from the hospital and even though things seem to get a little easier each day, I still can’t see the end of this. I probably never will. I’ve never wanted something more than this baby. Those four and a half months of my pregnancy were the happiest four and a half months of my life. And it just sucks because I had just begun to feel him inside me and we had just picked out names earlier that week while Ryan was away on a 4-day trip. It was becoming more real than ever and it had to be so abruptly put to an end. Now when I put on a pair of pants and they fit comfortably or when he puts his arm around my belly while we sleep, I feel empty and sad.
These kinds of things happen for a reason I guess. I’m just glad that it happened now and not 18 additional weeks from now. I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel had this pregnancy come full term and then having this happen.
We want to try again for another one and I want to do it immediately, but I don’t even know if that’s the right thing to do because I don’t want to feel like I’m replacing what I’ve lost.
I can’t help but think that this is just another thing gone wrong in the long list of things gone wrong in my life. I feel like my world is falling apart around me. Ryan is all I have right now, but I’m glad to at least have him.
22.10.2008, 10:12
Category: Thoughts
I was so very sorry to read this entry. I know there isn’t anything anyone can say right now to make you feel better, but I’m sorry you had to go through this and I hope you and Ryan can start to heal very soon.
This is one of those situations where I don’t even know how to respond, or react, with anything other than dumbfoundedness (I know that’s not even a word). Anything you need, I’m here for you even though I’m far away.
I don’t know how to grasp the right words for this, but wow… I can’t even BEGIN to imagine how lost and broken you must feel. I’m sorry to hear that something so joyful for both you and Ryan has ended so abruptly. Things might never be the same again, but like you said, these things happen for a reason. I suppose the person closest to understanding how you feel right now is Ryan; I wish you two all of the strength and love in the world.
That’s really devastating news. =( I agree with you, it’s good that this happened earlier before you got even more attached to your baby.
There is nothing wrong with trying again… if you really think you’re ready, then go for it. There’s nothing more precious that creating a new life.
I hope you two the best and keep your head up. =)
My thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s been more than two years since my miscarriage and I know it is, hands-down, the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I know exactly what you mean about the “emptiness”. Stay strong and most importantly, talk about it. Don’t bottle it up.
Oh my goodness Melissa, I am absolutely heartbroken for you. How completely devastating.
I can’t even imagine how painful this must be for you and Ryan. Hugs to you both and I am definitely thinking about you two. Let me know if you need anything, or if you want to talk, or… well, anything really. *hug*
i’m so sorry for you and ryan. its good that it happened earlier in the pregnancy than later with more/different complications.
through time, hopefully you will feel better and always - look for help if you need to. best wishes and hopes and prayers are you and ryan.
That is horrible. I am so sorry. =( I just can’t find the words to explain my feelings to you. *hugs*
I’m so sorry. I imagine losing your child, at any point during pregnancy, must be one of the worst things any woman could ever have to experience. :(
im so sorry for your loss =( I remember when i was pregnant.. and so paranoid about everything. your right everything does happen for a reason.. im sure your next pregnancy will go fine and you will have a happy healthy baby. *hugs & kisses*
All I have to say is that you are a strong woman. And that it is going to be so difficult, but you will get through this. My prayers go out to you and Ryan and your beautiful baby boy in heaven.
I send my love and positive feelings.
Tracy
Melissa, I’m so sorry! Reading your first sentence of that post made my jaw drop.
Like you said, “These kinds of things happen for a reason” - I think so too.
I can’t even imagine how terrible and sad a miscarriage must be. I hope you’ll be doing fine soon. Big hug!