Last Thursday, I had a miscarriage. I went into the emergency room around 3:30 that afternoon with sharp pains in my abdomen. Little did I know that I was having contractions and little did I know how painful they would become as the night went on. At 8:33 that evening, I gave birth to an 18 week old boy whose gender I wasn’t even supposed to find out until my first ultrasound, scheduled not even two weeks away. Ryan and I had looked forward to that appointment more than anything.
Because the baby was only 18 weeks old, he really had no chance of survival outside of my body. It crushed me to know that when I went into the emergency room, his heartbeat was just as strong as it had been during the last OBGYN appointment and now he would have no heartbeat at all. It turns out that the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby somehow got infected. The doctor told me that this was very rare and that when it does happen, it’s hard to even pinpoint a cause.
Ryan and I are completely heartbroken right now. We’re trying to make it through this, but we’re having a very difficult time. Not a day goes by when I don’t cry. I’ve cried myself to sleep every day since I came home from the hospital and even though things seem to get a little easier each day, I still can’t see the end of this. I probably never will. I’ve never wanted something more than this baby. Those four and a half months of my pregnancy were the happiest four and a half months of my life. And it just sucks because I had just begun to feel him inside me and we had just picked out names earlier that week while Ryan was away on a 4-day trip. It was becoming more real than ever and it had to be so abruptly put to an end. Now when I put on a pair of pants and they fit comfortably or when he puts his arm around my belly while we sleep, I feel empty and sad.
These kinds of things happen for a reason I guess. I’m just glad that it happened now and not 18 additional weeks from now. I couldn’t even imagine how I would feel had this pregnancy come full term and then having this happen.
We want to try again for another one and I want to do it immediately, but I don’t even know if that’s the right thing to do because I don’t want to feel like I’m replacing what I’ve lost.
I can’t help but think that this is just another thing gone wrong in the long list of things gone wrong in my life. I feel like my world is falling apart around me. Ryan is all I have right now, but I’m glad to at least have him.